“I want to quit my job?!?!”

Posted On March 26, 2021

Leading up to the moment I executed on the lifechanging decision to quit my job and write fulltime, I made those words my mantra, spoken out loud as I walked around my house, but usually repeated in front of mirrors, my false bravado staring back at me. It would include various gestures depending on my mood at the time. The Kevin McCallister face smack, the pointing finger guns, and my favorite, the “You’ve got this!” beach baby with a sandy clenched fist.

A foolish person walks away from their solid corporate job to pursue a career with a low chance of success. A resolute person willingly checks their ego at the door of possibilities and admits that not moving forward is worse than the shame of not trying. A fortunate person can gamble on themselves without an impact to their standard of living. An audacious person gazes into a dark night sky full of stars and dares to concoct a plan to make their dreams come true. A romantic person crafts tales of adventure, mystery, and love and inspires others to feel, if only for a few moments, outside of their themselves. Today is the first day I am allowing myself to be all these people packaged into one.

After I picked a date and started planning my career move, I knew I would need a way to hold my feet to the fire. I had noodled this idea a handful of times and mentioned it to my family as a future path, but the circumstances never seemed to make sense. This was finally the moment my proverbial ducks got organized and bravely stepped out into traffic. I initiated a marketing plan and utilized the Joliet Jake and Elwood strategy by announcing my plan from a loudspeaker on top of my car.  Okay, not really, but I did get the word out to so many friends, family members, and random strangers at J. Christopher’s that I simply could not walk away without looking like a disappointment.     

Now you may be wondering what happens to your body as Notification Day nears. To be honest and with truly little exaggeration, you literally shit your pants. Your body fights you every moment, waking and asleep. No matter what you consume or avoid, your insides try to get outside. You dream your teeth are falling out. During a calming, yet intense, breathing session where your mind toggles between talking yourself off and then back over the ledge, your muscles contract and your shoulders can’t seem to relax. You become friends with porcelain.  

As I write this, I’m picturing Frozen’s Anna waking up to say, “It’s Coronation Day!” I can tell you that Notification Day is nothing like Coronation Day. I definitely didn’t channel my inner Disney princess and spring to life, throwing open the windows, dancing with plates, and singing, “It’s notification day!” I didn’t encounter a prince, evil or dashing, and there was no bouncing off chaise lounges to blend myself into paintings. On notification day, my voice rattled as my confidence in my decision waivered and after all of the practice and mantra repetition, I heard myself propose an extended transition period.     

I’m not sure what happened in the hours that passed between giving my ambiguous notice and the end of that day. While I felt relieved things were moving forward, I started getting really irritated with myself for wavering on something I had thoughtfully planned for and genuinely felt was the right decision for me.  I also found my lady balls packed away in “that drawer” and wrote my manager these words to make sure my message was clearly delivered. “I want to step back from the work force for a year.” I’m a much better communicator when I can write and rewrite and re-rewrite and re-read and re-re-read before hitting send. This is not to say that my sharp tongue, expressed through my fiery fingers hasn’t gotten me into hot water more than a few times, but those are posts for other days.

In this process, I looked up quit in the dictionary. The main definition was not super encouraging. “To give up.” The next one was more accurate. “To cease normal, expected, or necessary action.” The final definition took the cake and captured my current place in life. “To set free.” I am freeing myself from a schedule I don’t own and from the weight of disappointment, not just in my avoidance to try something different, but also in my feeling unfulfilled by the work I was accomplishing. Mostly I’m freeing myself from the nagging dreamer sitting in the back of my mind, strumming what she can of her unpainted short nails, reminding me that I can be bold and take a chance on myself.

I plan on treating writing as a mostly fulltime job, stopping work when necessary to be a more present family member and to focus on my health, mental and physical. Besides the “write a book” goal, I’d like to post progress updates and some copy at least once a week to get feedback. It would be an understatement to say I’m excited to embark on this adventure. I feel like an ACME firework, lit just moments ago, fire moving along the fuse, energy building into intense vibrations, ready to blast off. I hope you will join me for the ride.